TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Rather than the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we're chatting Damascus, town historically recognized for historic lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It may be remarkable. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from the Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had lovely ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the finest. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and completely outside of position. Intended by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour until the drone flies")




  • Plus a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 a long time for potable drinking water. But yes, guaranteed, let us have One more position in which American Gentlemen can dress in robes and contact it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are contacting this probably the most audacious peace attempt given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though earlier negotiations unsuccessful below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: provide All people a set around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


As outlined by documents released on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the Trump Tower Damascus proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be tender electrical power," mentioned political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock requires less diplomats and much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Every single device. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire noted, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in the war zone. It is really that he need to prevent making use of it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the project, replied, "You realize, gentleman, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent people. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice product?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "potential proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred to the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping kinds a large Trump head noticeable from Place, a aspect remaining promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made from refugee tents as well as the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental teams have submitted lawsuits following finding the developing's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It can be not just unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," mentioned Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Baffling Attributes


Perhaps the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by company could ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, finish with weather Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Community Syrians are unsure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-year-old Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They can Arrive"


The advert marketing campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll done inside a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the region"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% said "wherever's the nearest elevator for the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Crisis That Pays"


The job is currently attracting notice from Intercontinental investors, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights for a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll acquire 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial degree will also involve:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


Around the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb short article about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Last but not least, a hotel in which my PTSD can have convert-down assistance."


An additional put up from @KuwaitiKardashian only asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China may possibly open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is preparing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to build a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten included. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top flooring "The Holy See-Level Suite."



Last Thoughts from the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It needed gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Constitution. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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